Joke Of The Day [ 26-06-07 ]
The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"
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Things a Man Should Never Do After the Age of 30
Man at His Best
1. Use the word party as a verb.
2. Shots.
3. Body shots.
4. Jell-O shots. Especially Jell-O shots.
5. Read a book with the words Zen and the Art of in the title.
6. Do impressions of Austin Powers characters, especially Dr. Evil.
7. Help friends move.
8. Ask friends to help you move.
9. Crash on a friend's floor or couch.
10. Refer to breasts as "chesticles."
11. Experiment with facial hair.
12. Let your underpants show above your jeans or below your shorts.
13. Apply paint to your face for any reason at all.
14. Own beer-drinking paraphernalia.
15. Own a skull bong.
16. Know the names of the current Real World cast.
17. Remove your shirt in public--unless there is sand and a large body of water nearby.
18. Use the word dude, except when referring to a ranch or a well-dressed Englishman.
19. Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.
20. Own a futon.
21. Own a beanbag chair.
22. Hang art framelessly.
23. Hang tapestries.
24. Drink malternative beverages.
25. Don a puka-bead necklace.
26. Google ex-girlfriends.
27. Break up with a girlfriend by e-mail.
28. Engage in pranks involving airborne food.
29. Own a Lava lamp.
30. Pool hop.
31. Live with someone you don't sleep with.
32. Share a hotel room with someone you don't sleep with.
33. Play fantasy sports.
34. Divide a restaurant bill with a friend in any way other than 50-50.
35. Sleep past 10:30.
36. Refer to a woman's genitalia as her "nappy dugout."
37. Cook exclusively on a George Foreman grill.
38. Wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete on the back.
39. Employ any other pickup line besides "Hi, my name is _____. What's yours?"
40. Listen to Pink Floyd.
41. Use Internet acronyms, especially ROFL and LOL.
42. Shave any part of your body except your face.
43. Enjoy Jerry Bruckheimer movies.
44. Run with the bulls in Pamplona.
45. Attend Mardi Gras, Carnaval, or Burning Man.
46. Own a fish tank.
47. Fall asleep in public.
48. Call drugs by their street names (e.g., junk, smack, or whitebag).
49. Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"
Joke Of The Day 25-06-07
brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head,
and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would
shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up
and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook
my head, no."
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Dont you feel **hot** in your own towel ??
AXE team always made something interesting, that catch you eye....... Now they came up with another interesting an fun concept of towel, just look at this two pictures.. LOL :)
Some stupid product labels
1. On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.3. On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.5. On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?10. On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.11. On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.12. On a bar of Dial soap
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.15. On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.17. On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.18. On Sainsbury's peanuts
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.20. On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.21. On a child's superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Joke Of The Day 22-06-07
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to
The hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will
Find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will
Find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained
That to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
And over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is
It now?"
And Adam said
"What's a headache?"
10 Sales and Marketing Tips I learned from Strippers
Like you, I like strippers.
However, I generally find myself leaving the strip club with an empty wallet. Any business that can get you to spend all of your money is a good one to be in.
But while walking out of a club one evening, I realized that a big reason they have such a good business is because strippers are such great salespeople. It is not simply due to the fact that they are selling to stupid, horny men like myself, but because they use a lot of highly effective sales and marketing techniques.
You too can achieve great success by applying sales and marketing techniques of strippers. Here are 10 sales and marketing techniques I have learned from strippers:
Sales Technique #1 - Give them something for nothing
One of the first things a stripper will do is come up to you and flirt with you. She will likely sit on your lap or do something to raise your excitement level. For this, you have to do nothing. But you do get a sample of the service and if it is a good one, your chances of buying the service increases. This also applies to the dances they do on the stage.
Sales Technique #2 - Understand your customers
Strippers get to know your their customers by asking questions. This allows them to develop a rapport and tailor the sales pitch…
Sales Technique #3 - Tailor the Sales Pitch
Strippers will try different sales pitches to different people based on what she thinks they like. “I like to get dirty” or “Have you seen my great ass?” or “My tits are real”. Each pitch may be the one thing that converts the potential customer into a buyer (pointing out a tight ass works well for me). And she revises her pitch based on experience.
Sales Technique #4 - Make sure you are selling a great product/service
She knows she has to have a great product. If she put on 30 pounds or hadn’t showered for the past 4 days, she would likely not get as many customers. Regardless of how great of a salesperson you are, you can’t do much with a crappy product/service.
Sales Technique #5 - Provide Good Customer Service
She will make sure you are happy on your first dance or she won’t get repeat business or won’t be able to do what she ultimately set out to do…Upsell.
Sales Technique #6 - Upsell
She sells the customer on a relatively cheap service, a lapdance, but then markets her other services to them. She tries to get them to the “champagne room” and sell an upgraded service, which is where the money is at. However, without the first sale, she would never get the larger sale. Customer acquisition is tough, once she does it, she needs to get as much business as she can.
Sales Technique #7 - Closing Techniques
She will use a variety of closing techniques to get you to buy her services. There are a variety of closing techniques, but two popular ones used by strippers are the compliment close (usually flirting with you) and companion close (getting your buddies to push you into closing the deal).
Sales Technique #8 - Target your audience
Strippers market to individuals that are interested in her service. First, she works in a strip club where guys go specifically for her service, that is obvious. But she also knows which guys to go after within a group or which groups will likely spend the most money. Spending time with cheap-asses only wanting to pay a dollar for a dance will not be a wise use of he precious time.
Sales Technique #9 - Persistence
Even though the audience is qualified, she knows she will get rejections. Even so, she will go up to every guy and ask if they need a lap dance. She also knows that the more guys she asks, the more yes’es she will get.
Sales Technique #10 - Branding
I don’t know any strippers that are named Ethel, Mildred or Agnus. Instead, you will get the pleasure to do business with Cookie, Destiny, Candy, or Raven.
Joke Of The Day 20-06-07
The friend said, "Not too well. She hasn't been
Feeling herself lately.
But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."
Joke Of The Day 19-06-07
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil.
Men's Organ Myths Debunked
About 90 percent of women actually prefer a wide penis to a long one, according to two studies included in the review. Eighty-five percent of women reported being satisfied with their partner’s penis size, compared to only 55 percent for men.
Men aren't satisfied with their partner's penis size?!?
Another oft-repeated myth is that older men tend to have smaller penises, but Wylie and Eardley found no differences when they combined the results of all the studies together.
One surprising finding was that small penis syndrome (SPS), also known as the “locker room syndrome,” is much more common in men with normal sized penises than those who have so-called micropensises (penises with a flaccid length of less than 2.7 inches). An internet survey of more than 52,000 heterosexual men found that 12 percent thought their penises were too small, even though micropenis is estimated to affect only about 0.6 percent of men.
6 ways to tell your girl to loose some weight
1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."
Every woman has a go-to getup. If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach. The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.
2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."
Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis. Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms.
3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."
Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and you can let your most outrageous BS fly. Pick an attractive pal and you'll be explaining your wandering eye until you give her a ring. Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket.
4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."
She won't suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and be there within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.
5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."
If you want your girl to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach. If she thinks she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing.
6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"
Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds. But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it.
Manly stuff that is no longer manly
Written by Anthony Burch
There are many things that will always be manly, like stubble, red meat, and being angry. Other things tend to change as time goes on – tend to lose their manliness factor as the world changes. Before you know it, the manliest thing on the planet has been reduced to an effeminate, useless version of its former self. In the interest of protecting our readers from all things formerly-manly, we begrudgingly present a short list of those things which used to be manly, but now aren't.
Tattoos
Once the symbol of nonconformity in a hopelessly conservative political landscape, the tattoo has now become the exact opposite – total conformity posing as nonconformity. Like when emo kids pretend they’re all total individuals that nobody understands, but they all somehow manage to look, sound, and act the same. Tattoos have taken on many different meanings in modern society: men with any sort of oriental symbol tattooed on their arms or torso are generally pretentious, pseudo-political douchebags. Guys with barbed wire circling their arms tend to be insecure assholes who probably work out a lot, refer to themselves as “badasses,” and secretly hate everything about who they are. Granted, there are still those older men who got tattoos back when they actually meant something, but they are a dying breed in the face of this new wave of tattooed douchebaggery – the men who were getting inked back in the day are forced to watch, horrified, as an entire generation of neo-yuppies singlehandedly steals one of their generational symbols and perverts it beyond all recognition.
Piercings
There was a time when a man could get a bull ring pierced into his septum and get a little respect. Those days are over. Piercings of any sort have become the method of self-expression to use for emos, Goths, and faux-punk kids all over the planet; it appears that the more boring and self-involved one is, the more piercings must result. Jesus, even women are getting piercings en masse: you find me a chick who doesn’t at least have her belly button pierced yet, and I’ll show you a chick who hasn’t yet reached her eighth birthday.
Stabbing people
In the good old days, one guy would get into an argument with another guy, the words would turn into fists, and the fists would turn into a few inches of cold steel getting mercilessly plunged into the eye socket of the weaker guy. Men would stop, and stare, and as the killer was dragged away by the cops, muttering something about unpaid debts, people would look on in awe – that dude stabbed someone. What a badass. But in a time of so-called intellectualism, fraught with political liberalism and progressive ideals, stabbing people isn’t “cool” anymore. Not only is violent crime now frowned upon, but stabbing people generally appears to be the gayest way to shuffle someone off their mortal coil: years of horror movies and bearded historians have established the blade as the number one phallic symbol of violence on earth (the gun is number two, if only because you can’t kill someone simply by forcing a gun up one of their orifices), and so it now appears that stabbing people no longer has the manly connotation it once had – and pretty soon, shooting people won’t be all that neat either. The only other option left for the violence-loving man is to either not kill people (an unacceptable decision, in every way) or to beat people to death with his bare hands.
Motorcycles
Like the tattoo, the motorcycle used to be a counterculture icon – thanks to Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda (two actors who have also lost a significant amount of manliness), the motorcycle was a symbol of freedom, independence, and rebellion. Nowadays, it represents one of two things:
-The fact that your mom bought you a Yamaha, which you will almost immediately crash
Or
-You’re a middle-aged marketing guy who joined a motorcycle club, rides your bike on the weekends, and secretly puts “Born to be Wild” or “Bad to the Bone” on repeat on your iPod Nano whilst cruising down 6th street at 41 miles an hour next to other similarly repressed middle-aged marketing guys.
Today, the motorcycle has lost literally all of its meaning. While the Hells Angels still run around raping men and women all over the countryside (and God bless ‘em for it), the motorcycle has completely lost its status as an icon of masculinity, given that those most likely to own them today are either vapid, mid-40’s men trying to channel the spirit of Easy Rider without getting more than a few miles away from home, or spoiled preppy kids who stupidly race their crotch-rockets and end up totaling them once they actually have to turn.
Leather
Enough said.
Chivalry
Whether you like it or not, gone are the days of roses, hastily scrawled love poems, and sweet serenades crooned lovingly outside a fair maiden’s window. Today, women may pretend like they want to be courted by a chivalrous gentleman, but in reality the chivalrous man has about as much chance of netting the girl of his dreams as Helen Keller has of winning a darts competition. Women want a good-looking, arrogant asshole to treat them like crap. You may think that’s overly-misogynistic, but it’s a scientifically proven fact* that once a woman finds out you are attracted to her, her level of attraction towards you drops by at least 50%. Chivalry, in all its forms, focuses on the man professing his endless love for the woman whilst doing quasi-romantic deeds – deeds that, today, immediately drive women away. It’s an unfortunate trend, to be sure, but an unavoidable one: the chivalrous romantic can write all the love songs and give all the gifts he wants, but outside circumstances aside (in this case, “outside circumstances” means “money”), the chivalrous man will end up with nothing more than his dick in his hands by the end of the day, while the cocky asshole who lifts weights and/or plays guitar chokes the girl of your dreams to death with his penis.
Special Note
This article is not meant to suggest that any man who might have tattoos or piercings or leather or a motorcycle are immediately unmanly: we simply wish to suggest that the things, the objects themselves, have lost their intrinsic worth as objects of manliness. If we were to see a 300 pound guy with tattoos and piercings, wearing a leather jacket and holding a knife, we’d still be very, very scared of him, and would certainly be in no position to doubt his manliness. One can possess all these pseudo-manly traits and still be the baddest mother****** around – it’s just that the actual objects themselves no longer mean what they used to.
Some Mature Jokes
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Dave explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
The Unwelcome Erection
The one I can remember from the films was some chap working backstage, up in the rafters of an auditorium, with the lights. The voice over guy declared "Sometimes puberty plays tricks on you, like Jim is experiencing here. This is the "unwelcome erection"". I guess our school wasn't so fussed with the abstinence push.
So, I figured I had this puberty/unexpected erection thing licked, there would be no problems at all. Besides, you only got wood when out of sight, so what was the big deal? It seemed to me they were unwelcome because they were at times you couldn't have a tug, like Jim up in the rafters.
Oh how wrong those stupid films were.
The short list of unwelcome erections I can remember.
...being yelled at by my year 6 teacher (who is still working at the school and is hot)
...back of the police car the time I got arrested
...my high school graduation
It might be stating the bleeding obvious, but why those times? What part of my brain leapt into action and thought, "now would be the best time to divert blood to the wang"? At the time I wasn't particularly attracted to my teacher. When I was arrested, I was furious, and I couldn't wait for my high school graduation to be over.
Nowadays, all the fun of the unwelcome erection is largely over. It stays dormant most of the day, except when needed.
However, when I was watching that film all those years ago, I wondered if there was the welcome erection, at an opportune time. I recall an event while studying for my final high school exams.
I was studying away at Physics, the laws of thermodynamics guaranteeing my penis remaining in its slumber. I hit my mid afternoon break and left the room to stretch my legs, read the paper, in fact, do anything else. The familiar event of puberty struck as I walked outside to get some fresh air. Normally, I would have ignored it, but the unwelcome erection suddenly becomes welcome, and at a good time. Standing out in the garden, why not?
Maybe it is the brain's way of taking your mind off other things? Or maybe it was just coincidence. Either way, it is a double edged sword the unwelcome erection is rare nowadays. On the one hand, no awkwardness, on the other, no not-so-subtle suggestions from the nether regions.
Problems with Penis
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, ''Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!'' He replies, ''Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it.''
A woman with huge breasts
"Eat Me."
Fourty Ways Women Fail In Bed
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's Anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to forward it to any female you know!
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